One of the most dependably funny features in the late, great, and much lamented National Lampoon magazine was the “Letters FROM The Editors” section.  NOTE:  Whereas most magazines and newspapers offer a “Letters TO The Editors” section, the writers at the Lampoon eliminated the middle man (their readers) and simply wrote the letters themselves and attributed them to all sorts of public figures.

One of the most dependably funny features in the late, great, and much lamented National Lampoon magazine was the “Letters FROM The Editors” section.  NOTE:  Whereas most magazines and newspapers offer a “Letters TO The Editors” section, the writers at the Lampoon eliminated the middle man (their readers) and simply wrote the letters themselves and attributed them to all sorts of public figures.

Example:

Dear Sirs,

Well of COURSE I know the difference! My ass is round and dark.  A hole in the ground is round and dark and . . . Hey, this is tougher than I thought.

Perplexed,
Jane Fonda

I bring this up because one of my all time favorite “Letters FROM the Editors” was “written” by a member of today’s Bi-Monthly Meat focus . . .

Dear Sirs,

Guys come up to me all the time and want to know what its like to be a huge fucking rock star.  This is what I tell them: ”Dude, think of all the really beautiful women you’ve ever slept with.  Now, pick out the top 5 and line them up in your head.  OK, got a good visual of that?” ”Dude, I won’t fuck any of them . . .”

Sincerely,
David Lee Roth

. . . Which brings us to the subject of today’s Bi-Monthly Meat snarl-fest; Van Halen’s “Drop Dead Legs.”  Let’s start with a read-through of the lyrics, shall we?

Drop Dead Legs

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Drop Dead Legs, pretty smile,

hurts my head, gets me wild.

Dig that steam, giant butt,

makes me scream, I get nuh-nuh-nothing but the shakes over you.

And nothing else could ever do.

(Chorus)

You know that you want it.

I know what you need.

You know that you want it.

When the night is through,

will I still be loving you?

Dig those moves, vam-pire,

set me loose, get it higher.

Throw my rope, loop-de-loop,

nice white teeth, Betty Boop.

Get it cool,

real heavy.

I ain’t fooled,

gettin’ ready.

(Chorus)

The inspiration for such lyrics?  I’m guessing David Lee woke up one afternoon and found the words to this song scribbled on cocktail napkins from “The Body Shope” after a night of screaming these lines at strippers and using his nose to shove Benjamins into the cracks of their asses.  In other words, a totally credible song based on real life experiences, provided of course, that the real life you’re leading is that of a fucking rock god in Los Angeles.  Dave, I’m completely buying into this.  Call me the next time you go drinking on The Strip, OK?

And then there’s the music . . .  Jesus Fucking Christ!!  Just fucking perfect!!  You’re not sure where it’s going when it first starts out.  Couple of crisp but somewhat generic guitar riffs, couple of smacks on a cow bell (think Guns ‘N’ Roses cribbed this a little for the beginning of ‘Paradise City?’). . . Then the first crunch arrives and you know its down to Eddie Van Halen or Jeff Beck.  Fours bars in and its nothing but pure, bottom heavy lust.  So much for Jeff Beck . . .

Eddie proceeds to say with his guitar what David Lee is singing, and its just sheer, shoot-from-the-hip poetry.  But wait!  The best part is yet to come.  The final chorus finishes up and the remaining minute and a half of the track has Alex Van Halen and Mike Anthony laying down a crisp, tight, and absolutely irresistible rhythm groove that Eddie, in a brilliant yet somewhat restrained manner, proceeds to rift over in some of the best, under-stated guitar work of his career.  The ONLY thing wrong with “Drop Dead Legs” is that its about 10 minutes too short . . .

-Rance